If You're Reading This.....Can You Feel It?

It's Just The Feel

Is it really cliche.....that I want flowers just because it's Wednesday?

Is it corny of me to want a guy to take my backpack when he decides to walk with me?

Am I stuck up for wanting to be asked out to dinner or a movie instead of netflix and chilling?

Am I to be considered a BITCH because I'm tired of "wyd" text at 2AM?

Does it make me lame to have my own standards of being courted?

Should you call me crazy for really wanting to fall in love?

Nowadays things are so fucked up.

I can't remember when I have met a guy or any guy that met me and asked me on a real date...

oh my damn I've never went out on a real date.....

What makes that statement ever sadder, is the fact that their are probably thousands of other women who haven't either.

As a woman I don't want a man to deal with me solely off of my looks. My ass isn't huge, my hair isn't down my back, my waist have never been a size 2, and I'M NOT FOREIGN.

It took me 24 about to be 25 years but I have so much more to offer than my exterior. EVERY woman does, I don't know how but it seems like we only find value and love based off these hardcore standards set by men.

 hey should treat us? What we need to attract them, and how they should love us?

We as women have so much power individually, we need to realize it and use it.

We need to take our power and set our standards for ourselves and how we want to be loved.

We deserve that and so much more.

I can't be the only person tired of  being courted through Instagram and Facebook. The constant compliments or your body and all the things they want to do to it. The inconsistency, the "hey stranger" text. Being Queen material and pushed towards the jump off. Showing sides of you that nobody has every seen and it being unappreciated. The fake I love you's. The selfishness of only being able to receive a call when a dick is hard. LIES. The thought of being the only one and realizing you aren't even close to number 5. The games. One day your all they want, next day they can't answer the phone. Always wanting but can't ever give. Feeling everything but LOVE.

Someone who actually meets me and asks me about myself. Genuinely has interests in what makes me tick. Curious about what matters most to me and what I'm looking for in a potential someone. Hell, a person who seriously wants to hear how my day went.

I can't say I know what love is but I know how I want it to make me feel.

Of course I want someone to look at me and say, " She's Beautiful."

I want to be beautiful because he SEES me. When I say me not my face, my soul. I want him to fall in love with the fact of my sincerity, I want to know him. He can see that I don't need him to love me because I have truly fallen in love with myself. He understands that anything worth  having must be worked for. My LOVE. When we disagree, we can still laugh it out. He accepts my goals and won't try to change them to suit his needs. He believes in me and vice versa. He can teach me and I can teach him. Spontaneity. When i'm not around I want him to think about me because I'm thinking of him. T'rust, I don't want the code to your phone. Acknowledgement. Proud to say that he is mine and I his. Never have to question whether he's in this for real or still deciding. NO doubts. I want to feel his soul, when I look into his eyes I want to be home. SAFE. No completing each other but Complimenting because individually we are complete within ourselves. Foundation, built strong from day one. Dancing in the rain. Willing to try things for me. A friend I've had forever. A rush. Someone for me only. THE FEEL.

It may just be me but it hasn't been too many, but the guys I have dealt with....I didn't feel IT. I don't know exactly how to explain the feel but I know I haven't felt it. Maybe that why people say, "When you fall in love you'll know. You can feel it."

Black Love

My first poem.

Because seeing you during the day feels like a victory

That smile....it just does something to me

The tone of your voice touches my crown and down my spine

I think the alignment is more than mine

Because we never touch and that's just fine

No need for the physicality's, we connect with our minds

The words we share are so inviting we get wrapped up with conversation so enticing

I see the sun shine on your chocolate skin

Even under the moon I see that glow from within

The Queen in me wants you to know I'm proud of you forever

Being a Black King despite the storms, you always hold it together

By your side to love honor and cherish

You gave me the world even before marriage

Being with you is like a dream come true

Because with you I got my black love and my Warrior King in you

So cliche but I'd shout it from the mountain top

Til my heart stops...because it's so real

Black King & Black Queen their is no better deal

Our love

Black love

Forever and a day

Always

In all ways.

- Esoquarian

Poem of the Week: Intertwined Entities

Intertwined Entities

Imagine us, wide awake, in the dead of night, the moon

serving as our only light, peering through the blinds it shines 

on your brown skin.

I salivate art the glistering temptation, unleashing a mischievous grin, my heart aches with the urge to kiss your lips, revisiting the familiar territory of your beautiful brown skin.

Sweet chocolate delight, what a precious sight, as we absorb each other's energy, I melt from the hypnotizing radiance traveling through my chakras. Her vibration is an uncontrolled force charging relentlessly through my guarded magnetic field.

With each kiss, she awakens my soul sending my spirit on a euphoric trance, our inhalations begin to deepen like gaping shallow waters of the ocean existing inside of me, mentally I'm exploring her frequency as our eyes lock, gravity pushes our bodies closer together, I drown angelically in her multidimensional galaxy of passion, mangled in a blissful daze of unsolicited affection, her intoxicating aura fills my lungs and she becomes the air that I breathe, our lustful desires intensifies as we reach new erotic heights, we indulge sensually in the pleasurable arena of pure love.

Admiring the glorious sight, of my sweet chocolate delight....

By: Nikole

From: DMV 

Twitter: @ne0ntrees_

Instagram: @ne0ntrees

To read more work from this Queen click here!

Interview with the artist

When interviewing queen Nikole i asked her what was her motivation or inspiration for her featured piece. I like the audience to first build their own interpretations of the work before it is explained. I think when people view or read art they have their own ideas and find reasons to connect that refer to personal situations. This makes the whole experience so much richer. I personally was excited for this piece because as a black women I am all about the BLACK GIRL MAGIK!

"I chose this piece to share because it was written with admiration for black woman who was the perfect muse! I want to showcase the magical abilities of black women and the intensity of their passion. I want the audience to grasp and relate to the beauty of vulnerability and mutuality of black women."

Thanks to this Queen for sharing her work and thank everyone who came through to read it. Remember all works are welcome to be featured on my blog. If interested you can send your work through the following:

Twitter: @blackgyalmagic

Instagram: @black.gyal.magic

Email: dshouchins@gmail.com

Much Love : )

Artwork of the Week: Passion in the Ocean

Passion in the Ocean

By: Chaé-Kymani 

Instagram: @Artwizz_srd

The artist happens to be a cool Instagram follower of mine. One of the reasons I like Instagram, because it links you with so many people from different places that are into the same things you are but have a different experience of life. 

When asked about what inspired him to create his piece I got a reply I wish most men would have in their heads. " I feel like the female is art." If you really get deep enough and think, we really are. Just think a second about what all we as women can do, what we do! 

I asked what the picture represented because art means something different to every pair of eyes that set and admire the work. I'm sure some eyes just see a couple embracing each other in the water or for the common mind just making out." The ocean represents the life and vitality we can give to one another when we love each other. The sun is the constant light we radiate when we are in harmony with each another. Then you have the lovers in a perfect unison. The fact that they are pretty deep in the ocean is also symbolic. It shows how deep two people can connect no matter how deep they fall. It's basically the perfect relationship." 

Instead of just posting the work I wanted to interview. I wanted to share the creative feel for the piece. I think once a person understands the meaning behind the artwork they are viewing the connection becomes deeper. The appreciation for the time and effort is brought to a whole new level. 

I was hype when he sent me the piece but after getting a better understanding I love it because I feel it. I have a strong personal tie and thoughts when it comes to love. This is work I would place on a wall in my home to remind me and represent the love I want to have and keep one day. 

I hope you all enjoy the homies artwork as much as I did. If so look forward to more coming from him in the future. Thanks for sharing my dude, much love : ) ! 

Swim Good...

This something I want but don't think I will ever get. past experiences just make it so hard to trust, when you do it comes back to make you feel like a fool. I wish it wasn't something we had to debate on, whether or not we want to put trust in people. I guess that's just how the world works. You risk missing out on something or risk getting your feelings hurt. it's not just the trust you have to let build back with the other person but with yourself. "Am I making a smart decision, did I pick another just like the last?" you mentality get twisted...

I've never really had anything that went to well for me. I've never had trust I've put into someone and it not bite me in my ass. I've never wanted to be that girl that checked phones, pockets, social media and all that. Too much work, but I can understand why a lot do. 

Out of respect of me giving my trust I assume that another would respect me and feel privileged to get it. Trust is something you have to earn. That's where I'm fucking up, I forget not everyone is me. Not everyone has my heart or feels how I feel. I think a lot of us forget from time to time.

Nowadays you have to worry about who wants an Oscar and who wants to be around because they want to be around for you. I've had guys come into my life only because I'm cute not because I have a great personality,  take from me and never give, expect everything under the sun and more, fuck my cousin, and my favorite just be around because I've got my game tight. (when I say I've got my game right and tight I mean I've got my own everything) 

I'll never tell anyone to just go for it and just trust someone because it's been proven that you just can't do that. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong decade. My thoughts on love and life in general just don't fit this generation. I want something real, something that's not in every book or movie screen. I want my own love story that's just for me. Raw+True. I want to be happy, I want to look into someone else's eyes and see happy, see myself happy. Never have a doubt or a question.  Know that what I see is mine and never EVER have to question it. That is how I love, I'll never make another worry. If I'm there, I'm there because I'm in it to win it. I want the championship......not so much a ring and title but the confetti. The feeling, I want that everyday.

 I will tell you though that you have to take some kind of chance. 

We can't always be scared of thinking everyone is out to fuck us over and bleed us dry. It's hard to believe but there are some good ones out there ( although I think some psycho has them all locked up on and island) they're out there. You don't have to put in your all, but dip your toe in. Treat it like swimming, you'll know when your ready to put your head under. They say," its better to love than never to have loved at all." I guess, whoever you are that said that (lol). Fear is what keeps us from a lot of things in life. I setback and let people dog me out simply out of fear and because I thought that's all I should get. You have to take yourself to a level where you know what you want, and how you deserve to get it. No one deserves to be lied to or put through the ringer. Let your strength and fear guide you. Not every situation demands and instant quit, people fuck up. Good people fuck up. Don't let that fear of a mistake make you step back too far from something that could've been that dream.Allow yourself to get out there, slowly. Find someone that's going to be down for you all day. Take time to find something real, something worth it. Someone you can throw your legs over and watch a movie with.

Poem of the Week: Forbidden Fruit

FORBIDDEN FRUIT

By: Brizzly Adams

Instagram: @LongstonHughes

Twitter: @LongstonHughes

If I ever had you, you know I'd be glad to. 

You say I shouldn't but baby girl...I had to. 

I've been dying to have you. 

Kisses in places only you and I know about. 

Words uttered that only we're able to hear. 

The things I'd do to you, I've fantasized about for days on end. 

The ways I'd do them to you. 

It has all played out in my mind in ways you would never imagine. 

And then, my inappropriate daydreams became our intimate reality. 

I would sit for hours at a time envisioning the ways I would indulge in the act of tasting you. 

The ways I would so intimately devour you. 

Never knew I'd ever actually be seconds away from taking your soul from you. 

This was equivalent to the apple for Eve. 

You are my forbidden fruit. 

I'd take a bite out of you day after day, if given the opportunity. 

It has been a moment since I've tasted a woman and it brought me to the brink of of my own release. Your nectar. 

It's drips from the hairs on my chin. 

I indulge in the moments where I am face planted between your beautiful legs as I can hear your breaths shallow. 

Feel your legs begin a slight tremble. 

You're moments away from the ultimate eruption, and that's when I stop. 

Not because I want to, but you made me. 

I respect this. 

As much as I want to continue to devour you until you relinquish every ounce of your sexuality to me. 

I refrain. Allow you to collect yourself, and continue as if nothing has ever transpired. 

To the world, we're merely the best of friends. 

But to us? For us? 

There will always be this tiny moment where sensuality met sexuality and my heart and tongue maneuvered as one in efforts to cause you to explode in a manner as to which you've never experienced before. 

Until next time, this is a note dedicated to my forbidden fruit. 

Poem of the Week

THE FLOATER

By: Cole Livingston-Feggins

Instagram: colesway202

Twitter: dela202 

Where more than just what we claim to be it's as if I'm untouchable nobody knows but she knows 

I call i text we sex i think i got away with it but she knows 

We fuck we drink

We smoke i leave you leave they leave 

we link up again 

& it's late after 12 is where my affection needs & yearns for you 

that body not your mind cause why should my thoughts dwell on what matters to you 

like your favorite color

your favorite movie

your favorite food when deep down inside i don't even care... But she knows

This life i live is fun 

I'm wild 

free 

young enough to do right old enough to catch hell for my actions mature enough to change but to immature to care about what happens 

How can i care 

caring leads to being lost why should i 

Try to love 

when love don't love me 

Blame me for your misrepresentation of a perfect love story 

blame me when you carefully push everyone away 

& if all of the above fails then just blame me 

Breakfast BLT !

Swear this is the prettiest sandwich I ever made. I moved out in January and really started cooking now that I have my own space. I love it. The more you cook the more you realize there really is an art to it. That egg is A1, that bacon is crispy to perfection lol ! You guys have no idea how much I enjoyed it ! 

The Love You Create

friendship [noun]
def. (1)the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends.
 (2)a state of mutual trust and support

1. [synonym]: harmony, unity, attachment

respect [noun]

def. (1)a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

love [noun]

def. (1)an intense feeling of deep affection. (2) feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)

We scroll...we scroll daily on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and any other hit social app out there. What do we mostly see? Pictures of people talking about how they want this and that, the "relationship goals". Everybody nowadays wants to be with somebody, BUT nobody wants to do it the right way. I'll keep it three stacks, in my mind and soul I know the right way but I never followed through. I rushed.  As individuals we all get so wrapped up in our perfect idea of love and how it's supposed to go that we skip steps. MAJOR STEPS. 

It always starts out with the simple, "let's chill". So you chill, nothing wrong with that. The more and more you chill, usually at someone house you end up only seeing one room. The bedroom. It goes from chilling on the couch like Ed, Edd, and Eddy to the R.Kelly bump and grind real quick. It becomes routine. That's what you and this other person do now, you "chill". After while the chillin' gets played out. 

When it comes to this whole "let's chill" scheme (yes, I called it a scheme! straight up PLOT!) , some guys have it in mind to actually do just that. Let's be honest though, majority of them don't want to chill with you. They know the first couple of times they will actually have to sit on that couch and watch tv with you. It's all good though because they know sooner or later they can tell when to go for the strike. Now ladies, we know this too. Well some of us, these younger ones.....let us pray. As we pray for them let's go head and pray for us too. In our knowing of the scheme there still always ends up that one night when you know he's going to try you. You've gave him the speech about how you don't want to have sex blah blah blah, and that's exactly what he hears, "blah blah blah blah" ( Rich Homie Voice ). 

For some reason we all have this moment of weakness where we think it's okay because he really likes us ( does he ?). Next thing you know he's giving you a massage and gets those pants off. You're done for buddy. You're laying there halfway enjoying yourself because in your head you're thinking, "I shouldn't be doing this, we need to stop but...". When it's all over you have feelings of regret. He doesn't, he's probably sleep. He made that last three pointer and won the game baby. 

Time goes by, you kicking it, you texting, of course you still reminding him of his jeep so he's going to wax it. That's all he's doing though, waxing it. You all don't go out, yea you've been around his friends they know the deal, but you're not his #WCW. You are not "BAE"! All this time spent letting your body be his party and for what? To still be coming over just to go sit in his room until he's ready to hit the light switch. You don't understand...now you're mind is all messed up. So you say something and at the end of it all...either, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but I like you" or " I never said we was going to be together in the first place" is the response you get. You get mad, you delete his number and that's that. It's rare but fellows, some of you get played for the "okey doke" too. You all usually buying gift after gift though. It does play out exactly like this, but you get where I'm going. 

I said earlier everybody nowadays wants to be in love. I don't care how hardcore you try play, you want it. I also said nobody goes about it the right way. Now before I go into the reason why let me just say, "there is nothing wrong with having sex earlier but at some point know when to stop."

What's the point of a man or women really caring about your feelings getting hurt if you never really gave them a reason to in the first place? You all have been getting it on like rabbits. No time to get to know each other. That's a BIG DEAL. We jump so quick in the bed with each other we totally forget that, "hey I really don't know much about this person". The more time you take to get to know a person the more sincere you begin to feel. With learning that person you reach a level of respect for this person. The knowledge and respect you've grown to have for this person turns into a BOND, a FRIENDSHIP. You don't want to see or do wrong by this person because,YOU CARE.

It's and old saying and I have no idea who said it but, "nothing worth really having comes easy." There may have been more to it but I'm sure you you're catching my drift.  We need to take more time out. We have to stop rushing. We need to stop and take control of situations. Stop giving in. If you have a time frame before you decide to have  sex, stick to it. If you want to have sex but still want to work towards a relationship, say that. Do not just keep having sex and thinking it will automatically turn into a Cinderella story. It won't. Make your wants known. If we did this we wouldn't need to post a picture or tweet about the relationship goals we wish to have. Why? Because we would be living them.  

Take note that I have never been in love. I have fell for the plot many of times. I'm single, have been for awhile. I think on things a lot. Like everyone else, I want someone to love me too. This is my own personal opinion on how things go and what I think the issue is. Some may see otherwise. We as a generation need to get back on this real deal love. Back in the day things were done with TLC.  I hope though after reading this, you think about what I've said. Look to build a foundation of friendship, respect, sincerity. Don't just hop in between those sheets and hope for the best. 

Please feel free to comment and share. 

( I would love another viewpoint on this.)

Thanks for reading. Much Love : ) 

Growing Up Kardashian

I'll just start this post off with saying everyone has the right to raise their children how it suits them, to a point. Everyone has their own views on what is and isn't appropriate for ages. 

Now let's get to it! The picture above makes a pretty clear statement. I agree with it. How many children have you seen raised and managed by there parents who haven't had some type of crazy breakdown later on down the road? You all remember Amanda Bynes recently, she went through the phase a little late but she went HARD! 

Their have been plenty of kids managed by their parents and just lash out and go nuts because they think they are untouchable. Sometimes it's a cry for help, any attention is better than none. Some people do whatever to get some kind of recognition from a parent or just others period.  Remember Bebier and the "Nigga Remix" ? Whether they are managed or not it all depends on what you instill in your children. Michelle Obama is a First Lady of the United States of America, she has some formality she has to uphold to. Regardless of her being a First Lady I do not believe she would let any of her children do the many of obsurd things Kris Jenner has let her 17 year old do. Lifestyle has a strong play in this situation. Times have changed and so have mind sets. I believe both mothers are close in age but it's obvious their thoughts are very far off. Kris Jenner lives in a faster new aged lifestyle, while the First Lady seems to stick more to her upbringing. The current "mood" for the USA is money. It's all about money and who or what looks good. People really aren't worried about how their personality and morals look to people. As long as you look good while you did it thats all that counts. Mentalities are not the golden ticket to the money factory, it's your face, the act you put on. 

Can you honestly say that you look at Kylie Jenner and think 17 year old girl ? She wears things I didn't start wearing until recently. I'm 23 years old. She's dating a 25 year old man, although he acts like a boy he's still a 25 year old man. There is no way he's not trying or has not already had sex with her. He doesn't cross me as the type not to push the situation. He definitely doesn't cross me as the kind to wait either. 

She's had multiple plastic surgeries that could have waited until she was older. I personally think Kris is too much of a friend and it has back fired on her. Watching episodes of the show here and there it's obvious the girl has some kind of resentment with her mother. Yes she makes her own money, yes she has her own businesses but she just graduated from high school. She is moving too fast. She is a teen who grew up in an adult setting, but still a teen.

Her mother spent too much time pimping I mean managing Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe to put real time into giving her somewhat of a childhood or even helping her build a mindset to see that some of what she's doing is too rushed. Most of her time is spent managing the things they do. Half of the advice I have heard her give isn't motherly, its something you would hear from a girlfriend. In a sense I think she lives through them. I think her being the baby as well has a lot to do with it as well but I just hope this Tyga episode is just that, an episode. Hopefully she doesn't do anything crazier than her Lip challenge. 

Just because Malia was raised in the White House does not mean later on down the road she won't. It's not very feasible in my eyes but crazier things have happened.

Feel free to comment and share. I'm sure some will have input on this subject. 

The Kardashians have a way of taking people out of character in their defense, which I found interesting. 

Milky Wayv: Milky Wayv - The Best Mixtape You've Ever Heard

                          Milky Wayv: Milky Wayv - The Best Mixtape You've Ever Heard

Tracklist

1. Take Off x Ozone ft. Mufasa Enzor

2. IJWY x Bobby Earth

3. Take You There x Bee Honey ft. Adam DeWalt

4. Verbs X Peyton

5. Spare Time x Mufasa Enzor

6. Lianne La Havas x Big Brandon Willis

7. If x Jalen Baker ft. Natalie Hords & Ozone

8. Spread Love x Tiara Jewel

9. Dreams Exist x Amaru

10. It Feels x Bobby Earth

11. Adventure x Peyton

12. Up Up & Away x Mufasa Enzor

13. New Day x Bee Honey

14. Chrysantheum x Ozone

15. Life's A Game x Amaru

This Mixtape does live up to its title " The Best Mixtape You've Ever Heard" if you are in to the new age neo soulish r&b vibe. The instrumentals give you a refreshing feel, ist relaxing. This is " I don't go to the club often music", something you can sit back and create to. I'll admit some of the vocals are different, you have to tune into the words to make it click. Let's talk about the words though, very meaningful. I wish someone would think of me enough to "swim until they drowned just to catch a breath of my air." I find it amazing how young some of them are and the things they all have to say about feelings, a person they adore, and just life. "Love love love love, spreading love with you..' " Life's incredible when I'm in your safe haven."  I don't think there is one track that I'm not rocking with. You can vibe all the way through without skipping any of the 15 songs on the tape. Unless you're like me and get in straight "Ay Dj, throw it back one mo' time!" and just have to play a certain track over and over.

Feel free if you're on a desktop to skip through my playlist and listen to a few I added. I also posted a link above under the mixtape art. Thanks for reading, please comment and share. Much Love : )

Veggie Noodle Italian Sausage Pasta

So although I'm lacking in working out ( I need someone on my ass, I need a volunteer sergeant!) I still try to eat healthy. Once you research and see what you are actually eating it makes you read the ingredient section on every box. 

I've tried going vegan and it's just not for me.in this recipe I used Italian sausage and only two pieces. I got the noodles on sale at Kroger's for a $1. Great part about it is that they are made out of veggies ! i Think overall this cost $6 to make. I'm all about saving a dollar babyyyy !

Ingredients 

( take note, I live by myself so I don't need to use as much. So if you have a family or cooking for friends double up)

•1 can of tomato paste 

•2 tbs of Italian spice 

•1 clove of chopped garlic 

• 2 tbs of pepper 

•1 half of sweet onion chopped 

•1 box of noodles ( I used half a box ) 

•1 package of medium spicy Italian sausage ( I used two pieces )

If you all try it comment and let me know how it went and how you liked it : ) 

Charged Up, thanks Meek!

it only took a couple tweets on the late night tip. Every time something serious goes down, some unnecessary bull like this pops up. At the end of the day both of them making more money then all of us by the minute. While they get catered to, guarded and chauffeured we have to worried about whether or not we are going to live if we get pulled over. I'm all for the music (I love 6 God) but fuck they're weak ass beef. It's literally a week ass beef. Stop falling in the trap 😯☝🏾️I'm not even bout to be lowkey with it. ..I get pissed at how deep in their lives some of y'all get. 

Mommy Dearest

Photo cred: MossyRockDesigns

Mother

noun

def: a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth.

synonyms: female parent

Every girls first love and best friend in the world is usually her Mother. She births you, teaches you right from wrong, and spoils you on your birthday. Compliments you so you will always walk with your head held high and have confidence in your walk. Most of all she loves you and sets and example of the love you should receive and except from others.Well this is what I have seen based off my experience watching friends with their mothers. They tell each other everything and do girl friend things every now and then. My story is a little different, I'm a daddy's girl.

I really couldn't tell you much about my mother, except that she called my father and asked him to come get me because I would not stop crying. I guess at 2 months I missed my daddy. Whenever he tells me the story he says, " As soon as I came in the door you looked at me and stopped crying." As far as I know my mother uses drugs and is a lengthy wrap sheet criminal. Most of my memories of her are quite vague. I remember sitting at McDonald's as a child waiting for her to come see me for our weekly visitation but she never came. I guess she had more pressing matters.

I can recall times where she has stood right in front of me, looked me in my eyes and kept it pushing. She always sends me letters when she is in prison telling me how much she loves me. As the letters go on she likes to makes excuses on how my father would never let her see me and other lies. To sit as long as I did as a child and just wait on her like I did, every letter would set my soul a blaze. I don't think I will ever fully grasp how people can lie like they do. The last time I saw her was at my high school graduation and I really did not want to her to be there. I also had the chance to meet my little brother who happened to be 5.

From high school to the present my father has remarried, and lord I can honestly say I wish he hadn't. Until this morning I never thought about the sacrifices my father has made for me to have a nice upbringing. My stepmother has had a very emotionally strained childhood. Her mother gave her up for adoption, she lived in foster care, and has been sexually abused. Now if you have knowledge of the foster care setup you can imagine the things she has seen and had to deal with. Her past had made her a very angry person. She goes off about the pettiest of things. There have been days where she has threatened to beat me blue because I left the fancy shower curtain inside the tub instead of hanging out. We really do not have a relationship.

She doesn't like to do anything with father and me. We invite her to watch movies with us or just hang out. She rather stay in the guest bedroom, which she has basically turned into her own bedroom. She likes to sit in there on the computer or read books. I explain her as socially awkward, she doesn't know how to interact with others. If she does it comes off in a snarky or know-it-all manner, at least with me. I've tried to brush her off and let her ways go but I can't. How she acts disrupts my peace. I feel bad because I felt like I resented her for all these years because she wasn't my mother or because we didn't have the movie mother daughter relationship.

I credit her for over the years for trying here and there. Some thing I know book wise is thanks to her. I may even owe some of my crafty and creativeness to her because of things she introduced me to. I understand she never had a real mother of her own, so she is going to win an award. Today though might have been my final straw of forgiveness. She basically accused me of stealing her things. I have my own apartment, my own everything I do not need to steal. She is a stickler when it comes to using her things. You can tell she doesn't really want you to, and if you do use it she will police you.

I always visit on Sundays because we have dinner and I catch up with my dad. My stepmom always sends me home with leftovers in tub ware. I know her things are her things but with my schedule I forget I even have it. She will text me in the middle of the night telling me I need to  bring her stuff back. Okay, its your stuff its not that deep. I bring her things back and eat some leftover and go on about my day. I get a call at 6 AM asking if I took one of her bowls. I say no because I hadn't, but my dad calls again to ask one more time. He comes later to visit me at my apartment to tell me she lashed out about me always taking her things. My dad tells me that she checks all of her things once I leave to see if things are missing. My stepmother cussed my father out this morning over tub ware.

I'm a daddy's girl so of course I'm upset about it but inside I know there is nothing I can really do. I can't really explain fully how I feel because my mother thinks I'm a thief. I'm at the point where I don't want to deal with her at all. I don't believe any of this to be normal. She refused to see anyone about her outbursts because she sees nothing wrong. My dad is ready to move out but this is a reoccurring situation. She is a lot to deal with and through the years you just get tired. My dad is getting to old to start all over in a new setting, but deep down I wish he would. I find it selfish of her to treat us the way she does and not want to learn how to calm down. It angers me to know she walks around with my last name and acts the way she does. Even moving out on my own hasn't seemed to fix things, she always finds an issue.

 I used to pray when I was younger that my God Mother was my real mom. She was my birth mothers best friend. She was the best in my eyes. She braided my hair, painted my nails, danced and played with me. I loved her so damn much. She was everything to me when I was a child. Like everything in life, it had to end. My brother was sentenced to eight years in prison for a shooting and she just lost it after that. She became paranoid and started hearing voices, abused drugs. She moved away for some years and came back around my high school graduation. The first time i saw her she asked me, "did you hear them tell me to burn the building down?!" After that I just couldn't do it, she scared me. 

I sit back and wonder if other people go through things like this with the female figures in their lives.Sometimes I really feel like a motherless child. I think a lot of things would've been different for me growing up if I had a woman in my life that had her things straight. Growing up was different but I will say.....I love the young woman I'm becoming.

Thanks for reading, feel free to share this, your story with me, experiences, or just a comment. Much love : )

Like the daughter you will have.

I won't say never because who knows what will happen tomorrow. this pressed for sex thing has to change. think if you had a daughter. why do to one mans daughter that you'd be ready to kill if it was done to yours? you all love Tupac but not many respect us women. ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀

#Respect #Uplift #Daughters #Fathers #YoungMen #YoungWomen #RealMen #RealWomen #Tupac #DoTheRightThing #StopAndThink #WhatGoesAroundComesAround #Karma #LifeLessons #Interest #Life #Attract #ErthaKitt #BodyAppreciation

Courting like a boss !

                   

     Let's talk about this. I feel like mentalities and age have very different ideas when it comes to this subject. It usually gets touchy with boys, I say boys because I feel men wouldn't have this issue. I'll elaborate further on that later on lol. 

    iPhones are just the IT thing, any cellphone is the IT thing. I love mine because I have SO MANY things I can connect with right at the push of a button. Most keep a phone just incase of emergency but in past few years it's the MAIN source of communication. Most people my age (23) have no idea how to have a conversation via text. They rely on texting TOO much to express various things you really can't grasp through an 160 character bubble. Usually emotions. 

      What kills me is that everything is abbreviated, from "lol" to "wryd". Remember back in the day in all the 90s movies when guys used to call girls before 9 to spit their game or just make it known that " I'm feeling you girl" ? I wish it still happened that way. Regardless of a phone call or a text I honestly believe it has to do with a mindset. 

    Women are usually conversationalist whether shy or not. We know how to talk and what to talk about if you get us to the point of comfort. We like to get to KNOW WHO YOU ARE. With the opposite sex I feel a mindset comes deeper into play. Like I mentioned earlier there is a HUGE difference between boys and men.  I've had my share of encounters with each, although at times some can be quite mature whether they are 18 or 27, they all still have that boyish side still in them. 

     With boys I noticed every conversation starts with either "hey sexy" "wassup" or my favorite "wryd". After a couple of bubbles the conversation is pretty much dead. The only thing that gets you fast answers and a long conversation is sex. Sex, sex, oh yea did I mention sex? You can ask a boy what he wants out of life, his goals for the month, or even what he ate for breakfast and it's the same result. One worded bubbles. If you aren't explaining how much you can rock his world he really doesn't remember too much of what you have talked about. He really doesn't remember much about you expect the important things like you're fine as hell, your booty eats up your sun dress, his homeboys think your fly, and the cherry on the cake....the fact that he thinks you're some top notch freak! 

"Good Morning Beautiful" " How's your day going" " what do you have planned for the weekend". Every girls dream right? Oh how we dream ladies, how we dream. Sometimes we do get these messages and it's awesome, but how long do they last? What's the point of getting these messages if it leads to the same thing. Now take note previously I talked about what boys do but that's doesn't mean that when I say boy I mean 18 or 19. There are 27 year old boys out there too. 

Regardless of age if someone is interested in you they will find other ways to do it beyond "wryd" or "hey sexy" text. They will call you on the phone or try to find some ways to meet up with you and see where your head is. They want to GET TO KNOW YOU too. Ladies what's the point of using  these text messages if that's all you are going to do, TEXT ! 

Stop letting these guys give us basic conversation to get our non basic time. Let's stop answering to the "wryd" and "oh ok" texts because that's not how you build a relationship. That's not how you get to know a person. Yes, you can get the usual things like interest and daily hobbies but not a true feel. That's not how you get anything but a bootycall after the club. Pay attention to the signs. Guys same goes for you as well, I know there are some ladies out there as bad as your homies. 

Texting should not court you. Expect more and receive more. 

Hope to get some feedback on this post from all ages and both sexes. Thanks guys !