Mother
noun
def: a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth.
synonyms: female parent
Every girls first love and best friend in the world is usually her Mother. She births you, teaches you right from wrong, and spoils you on your birthday. Compliments you so you will always walk with your head held high and have confidence in your walk. Most of all she loves you and sets and example of the love you should receive and except from others.Well this is what I have seen based off my experience watching friends with their mothers. They tell each other everything and do girl friend things every now and then. My story is a little different, I'm a daddy's girl.
I really couldn't tell you much about my mother, except that she called my father and asked him to come get me because I would not stop crying. I guess at 2 months I missed my daddy. Whenever he tells me the story he says, " As soon as I came in the door you looked at me and stopped crying." As far as I know my mother uses drugs and is a lengthy wrap sheet criminal. Most of my memories of her are quite vague. I remember sitting at McDonald's as a child waiting for her to come see me for our weekly visitation but she never came. I guess she had more pressing matters.
I can recall times where she has stood right in front of me, looked me in my eyes and kept it pushing. She always sends me letters when she is in prison telling me how much she loves me. As the letters go on she likes to makes excuses on how my father would never let her see me and other lies. To sit as long as I did as a child and just wait on her like I did, every letter would set my soul a blaze. I don't think I will ever fully grasp how people can lie like they do. The last time I saw her was at my high school graduation and I really did not want to her to be there. I also had the chance to meet my little brother who happened to be 5.
From high school to the present my father has remarried, and lord I can honestly say I wish he hadn't. Until this morning I never thought about the sacrifices my father has made for me to have a nice upbringing. My stepmother has had a very emotionally strained childhood. Her mother gave her up for adoption, she lived in foster care, and has been sexually abused. Now if you have knowledge of the foster care setup you can imagine the things she has seen and had to deal with. Her past had made her a very angry person. She goes off about the pettiest of things. There have been days where she has threatened to beat me blue because I left the fancy shower curtain inside the tub instead of hanging out. We really do not have a relationship.
She doesn't like to do anything with father and me. We invite her to watch movies with us or just hang out. She rather stay in the guest bedroom, which she has basically turned into her own bedroom. She likes to sit in there on the computer or read books. I explain her as socially awkward, she doesn't know how to interact with others. If she does it comes off in a snarky or know-it-all manner, at least with me. I've tried to brush her off and let her ways go but I can't. How she acts disrupts my peace. I feel bad because I felt like I resented her for all these years because she wasn't my mother or because we didn't have the movie mother daughter relationship.
I credit her for over the years for trying here and there. Some thing I know book wise is thanks to her. I may even owe some of my crafty and creativeness to her because of things she introduced me to. I understand she never had a real mother of her own, so she is going to win an award. Today though might have been my final straw of forgiveness. She basically accused me of stealing her things. I have my own apartment, my own everything I do not need to steal. She is a stickler when it comes to using her things. You can tell she doesn't really want you to, and if you do use it she will police you.
I always visit on Sundays because we have dinner and I catch up with my dad. My stepmom always sends me home with leftovers in tub ware. I know her things are her things but with my schedule I forget I even have it. She will text me in the middle of the night telling me I need to bring her stuff back. Okay, its your stuff its not that deep. I bring her things back and eat some leftover and go on about my day. I get a call at 6 AM asking if I took one of her bowls. I say no because I hadn't, but my dad calls again to ask one more time. He comes later to visit me at my apartment to tell me she lashed out about me always taking her things. My dad tells me that she checks all of her things once I leave to see if things are missing. My stepmother cussed my father out this morning over tub ware.
I'm a daddy's girl so of course I'm upset about it but inside I know there is nothing I can really do. I can't really explain fully how I feel because my mother thinks I'm a thief. I'm at the point where I don't want to deal with her at all. I don't believe any of this to be normal. She refused to see anyone about her outbursts because she sees nothing wrong. My dad is ready to move out but this is a reoccurring situation. She is a lot to deal with and through the years you just get tired. My dad is getting to old to start all over in a new setting, but deep down I wish he would. I find it selfish of her to treat us the way she does and not want to learn how to calm down. It angers me to know she walks around with my last name and acts the way she does. Even moving out on my own hasn't seemed to fix things, she always finds an issue.
I used to pray when I was younger that my God Mother was my real mom. She was my birth mothers best friend. She was the best in my eyes. She braided my hair, painted my nails, danced and played with me. I loved her so damn much. She was everything to me when I was a child. Like everything in life, it had to end. My brother was sentenced to eight years in prison for a shooting and she just lost it after that. She became paranoid and started hearing voices, abused drugs. She moved away for some years and came back around my high school graduation. The first time i saw her she asked me, "did you hear them tell me to burn the building down?!" After that I just couldn't do it, she scared me.
I sit back and wonder if other people go through things like this with the female figures in their lives.Sometimes I really feel like a motherless child. I think a lot of things would've been different for me growing up if I had a woman in my life that had her things straight. Growing up was different but I will say.....I love the young woman I'm becoming.
Thanks for reading, feel free to share this, your story with me, experiences, or just a comment. Much love : )
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